Author Rose Sweet says the holidays can be hell for the divorced. There are arguments over who gets the kids, a lack of money for gifts and feelings of loneliness, rejection, anger and depression.

Author Rose Sweet says the holidays can be hell for the divorced. There are arguments over who gets the kids, a lack of money for gifts and feelings of loneliness, rejection, anger and depression.

“There’s just this dismal look at the future like there will never be anything for me in the future, and we know that’s not true, but that’s really the reality for someone who is still raw at the holiday time,” Sweet said.

Sweet, 60, of San Anselmo, Calif., knows from experience. She has been divorced three times. Her last marriage ended 15 years ago after 10 years.

“I was like, ‘Oh great. I’ve failed more than once. Nobody loves me. I’m miserable and getting old and I needed help.’”

Sweet said there were few books and support groups then. She found help and healing through a divorce care series on tape. Then she decided to help others.

Sweet has written several books about divorce including, “Healing the Divorced Heart,” and she has produced a DVD series, “The Catholic’s Divorce Survival Guide.” She’s a motivational speaker and has spoken about divorce on radio and TV shows.

Rose Sweet

Sweet said 50 percent of all marriages today will probably fail. In the next five years, she said America is going to have more single people than married and one of the reasons: people are afraid to tie the knot. They’ve heard the horror stories and pain that comes with divorce, and the holidays are particularly painful.

Sweet said divorce — whether you are the one who wants out or not — is never easy, even if you are getting out of an abusive situation. It’s like cancer, she said.

“It’s good to get major surgery and have the cancer removed, but it’s still bad to have the major surgery,” she said. “There’s the risk, recuperating and costs.”

In 2011, there have been 263 divorces granted in Douglas County District Court, up 6 percent from five years ago.

Sweet’s advice for helping to survive the holidays if you are divorced:

• Avoid holiday parties if you want. If going to a family or friends get-together will help you feel better, then go. But if celebrating makes you sick or anxious, stay home. Forget what others might think and take care of yourself. Don’t talk about what happened until you’re ready.

• Give yourself permission to step back. You don’t have to bake a fruitcake and invite the neighbors over like you do every year. Tell your family and friends you are taking a break this year. If they love you, they will understand.

• Get rest. Life is stressful and the holidays double the stress. Add divorce and you have a “nuclear cocktail,” she said. The emotions will drain you physically, so rest up. Ask someone else to take the kids to a movie or skating while you take a nap.

• Be up front with children. Sit down and tell them the holidays will be different this year, but you will make the most of it. Ask what they would like to do. Also, remember to keep the kids’ best interests in mind when it comes to sharing them during the holidays. Often, it’s more about you than them.

“You want the perfect holiday that you’ve always had and by God you deserve it, he was a jerk and he is not going to ruin your Christmas. That’s petty,” Sweet said. “My thing is always to be willing to lose in order to win. Do the bigger thing.”

• Forget the money. Too often parents tie good parenting to the things they can provide, but good parenting is really about teaching virtue. It’s about the experiences and not things. Again, be up front with the kids about gifts and be creative. Go caroling, watch a movie or volunteer.

“The money thing is huge because look at our culture. We spend to the hilt and we create the most big fantasy Christmas and that’s a big setup for disappointment and then afterward, look at how exhausted and fat we are,” she said. “We are heavier and more tired and that’s not what Christmas is supposed to be about.”

• It’s not the last Christmas. It will be tough, but remember there will be many more to come.

LAWRENCE SUPPORT GROUPS

Paul and Lynnett Beck, of Topeka, are members of a support group called DivorceCare at Mustard Seed Church, 700 Wakarusa Drive. Lynnett said she and her husband have been through divorce, so they like to share their experiences and help others. She said the group is for anyone who is going through separation or divorce. The group also offers support to couples who are considering divorce. Some of the couples have gotten back together.

“There’s just a lot of different scenarios,” she said.

The group offers ongoing classes about topics such as child care, loneliness, anger and finances. It meets at 6:30 p.m. Fridays and the next meeting is Dec. 30. For more information, call 841-5685.

Other divorce support groups in Lawrence include:

• Lawrence Free Methodist Church, 3001 Lawrence Ave., at 6:30 p.m. Sundays. It’s next 13-week session begins Jan. 22. For more information, call 842-2343.

• Christ Community Church, 1100 Kasold Drive. For information, call 842-7600.

• First Christian Church, 1000 Ky., 6:30 p.m. Thursdays. It’s next 13-week program begins Jan. 19. For more information, call 843-0679 or Lori Myrick at 843-3072.

Other resources for help:

• Bert Nash Community Mental Health Center's 24-hour service — 785-843-9192.

• National Suicide Prevention Life-Line — 800-273-8255.

• Headquarters Counseling Center’s 24-hour service — 785-841-2345.

• Lawrence Memorial Hospital emergency room — 785-505-6100.