Well, let's just get it out in the open.
I spanked my kid.
That's right. Today, for the first time, I spanked my child. He's two and a half.
Let the internet flogging begin.
I could give you all the gory details that led up to the two spanks I landed over his footie pj's and over the diaper but they're really not important. Suffice to say, I've always been a "no spank" person, and it surprised me as much as anyone when, in the process of struggling through a timeout and being kicked and mocked by a toddler, I said, "If you don't sit still while I count to ten, I'm going to spank you."
To be fair, I'm not sure he knows what the word "spank" means, but hey, I did warn him.
And he kicked me anyway, and laughed. And I spanked him. Two spanks. And he CRIED. Oh, boy, did he cry.
I, of course, felt like Mother of the Year. Not.
But, he sat for the remainder of his time out without moving a muscle. And later, as I was getting him dressed and struggling to wipe a booger from his nose, he raised an arm as if to want to hit me on the shoulder, and he stopped halfway. He THOUGHT BETTER OF IT.
People, I'll tell the truth. We've been dealing with this hitting-when-I-don't-get-my-way thing for months. We've been doing timeouts and talking about feelings and telling him it hurts. I have even "fake cried" more times than I'd like to admit, which, of course, always results in an "I sowwy, I sowwy Mama. You 'kay?"
But it doesn't stop him from doing it again next time.
Never before have I seen him stop halfway through a jerk reaction and think, "No, I better not do that."
People. I never wanted to say spanking worked. Today, I had honestly hoped I would try it, it wouldn't work, and I could come back and say "SEE! Spanking is POINTLESS! It doesn't work anyway!" But I can't.
Maybe it will never work again (I hope I never have to do it), but this time, I got his attention. Then we talked about "I love you and why are you in trouble" and all that. And then we talked about "Who is the boss? Mama is the boss. You have to mind Mama." And he seemed to get it.
Don't worry, it's not a slippery slope. I hated it, so it's not like I got my first taste of cocaine or something. Not that I ever did cocaine - I swear I didn't - I was scared to bejeezus of it. But you know what I mean.
I know it doesn't work on every kid. I know I don't want to be "a spanker." I still consider myself a non-spanking parent. Is that like being a vegetarian who eats meat?
Here's hoping it was a one and done situation. Maybe I just needed to exert that extra oomph of authority. I can't see that it will have the same shock value and effect if it happened more often, and my constitution can't take it anyway.
Who is out there who, like me, is a non-spanker who has spanked? Surely this doesn't mean I just lack conviction. Chalk it up to number 2378 on the list of things I said I'd never do as a parent that, well... happened. Possibly for the better. I think, if there is to be a lesson here, it is this: there is almost NOTHING that you think as a non-parent or a parent-to-be that can be said "I'll never."
My husband, when we were expecting Johnny and discussion ad nauseum all of our parenting ideas and philosophies, said, when I told him we'd not be spanking, "But how else...?" I was full of ideas. I had watched SuperNanny! And, still, I believe most of those ideas are right. It's just that they're not always, in every situation, with every kid, right. I'll still be plugging away with my time out chair and I'll still be talking about feelings and naming frustrations and redirecting undesirable behaviors. But I guess I've put another tool in my belt, one that I hope I never have to use, but I'm kind of relieved to have it there, just in case. Because at the end of the day, I want a respectful, well-behaved, happy child. And we're still new at this.
Comments
rockchalker52 (anonymous) says…
You rock, Megan! Thanks for sharing the story. I hope you don't hafta spank again, but either way my money says your kid will be an awesome person for life. Tales of love are beautiful. Thank you.
tvc (anonymous) says…
Sigh. And like almost every parent on SuperNanny, you forgot to stop talking. "If you don't sit still while I count to ten, I'm going to spank you." I have to remind myself: warning, timeout, shut the hell up. There is an urge to reason with a child that is not capable of reasoning…just keep following through. Put him back in timeout/bed over and over again without saying anything.
Other thoughts:
If you have to say you are the boss, then you are not the boss.
Hitting children is wrong. How many other people in your life do you hit? I “spanked” a child one time. It was enough for me to realize that it didn’t make me a disciplinarian it made me a bully.
meganstuke (Megan Stuke) says…
Well, TVC, you are clearly a better person than I.
Just kidding. Actually, I do time outs and bedtimes to the letter.
The timeouts have not been very effective with my kid. Also, before work, I do not have half an hour to keep returning him to the naughty chair. I do not wish to be fired and not be able to feed said child.
Like I said, I didn't like it and I hope I never have to do it again. But, anyway, thanks for your support.
Signed,
One Bully To Another
meganstuke (Megan Stuke) says…
tvc, I do appreciate your comment and I apologize - I responded in anger.
Here is my problem. I do not mind your opinion. I welcome all opinions and really, I agree with yours.
My post was about how sometimes we're not perfect. And how sometimes we have to try things we didn't think we would. And, this time, it kind of worked. NOT THAT I WANT TO DO IT AGAIN (and I think I was clear about that.)
Here's what really bothers me. It's the *way* people talk - esp. on the internet - to one another. The things like the "sigh" and the snotty "If you have to tell him who's boss, you're not" kind of tone.
Why can't we talk and be adult? Why can't people say things like "I disagree and here's why. Good luck, parenting is hard."
Instead, it's snotty and juvenile. And I jumped right in the juvenile pond after you. I apologize.
jimmyjms (anonymous) says…
Kudos for blogging about a difficult situation. Parenting is hard!
That said, spanking your kid to get him to stop hitting is like sleeping around to promote celibacy - it's an oxymoron.
You showed you son that you "think" violence (i.e. spanking, hitting, etc) is an acceptable response to frustration. You can almost be certain that he'll hit someone smaller than him (as he is smaller than you) if and when he gets frustrated (not that he wouldn't regardless of having been spanked - he is a little boy!).
You have to do what you feel is right...and it's obvious from this blog that you didn't feel good about this.
meganstuke (Megan Stuke) says…
Okay, jimmyjims, I totally agree. And I didn't make it clear, but the original time out was not in response to hitting. It just so happened that he wanted to hit me later, and thought twice about it. (A good thing, no?)
Daycare says all the kids have been in "hitting mode" for awhile now and they've been working diligently on it as have I. But no, I didn't spank and say "We don't hit!" which has long cracked me up.
tvc (anonymous) says…
I was not stating I was better than you or trying to cut you down in any way. My issue wasn’t that you spanked him or that you are not a perfect parent. It was that you put spanking as a tool in your tool belt. That you feel bad about, claim you don’t want to do it, and then hold on to it as a tool. Why do you want to hold onto a parenting tool that makes you feel bad?
I have been the one that is negotiating and trying to reason with a child. Then, I have that moment where I realize I am the obnoxious parent changing the rules and talking to the kid. So, I gave you my version of her rules. It works for me.
Maybe I should have softened the if you have to say you’re the boss, you aren’t. Maybe I also need to say nicer things to myself. It is a reminder for me not to puff up and yell that I am the boss/you will listen to me/etc but to act the part. I guess this is a little dog training (hey, it worked on Cartman), but I think calm and assertive. I can only control my response.
I have worked in situations where hitting gets you fired or charged. Is it okay for his teacher to spank him? Do you think his teacher doesn’t get frustrated or have lots of other things that need to be done that day?
My goal was not to hurt you, and I am sorry if I did it. We need open, honest communication. My opinion is that spanking is not more effective than any other method, and it has a lot of guilt and shame attached to it. I also think it is crazy that we say it is okay to hit children. I get being frustrated. I get hitting people out of frustration. I don’t get justifying it and calling it a teaching method.
Did_I_say_that (DIST) says…
"...when we were expecting Johnny and discussion ad nauseum all of our parenting ideas and philosophies..."
Before we had children, we were perfect parents. It is very easy to sit back, criticize, and claim superiority. However, once a person has to wear the mantle of parent they quickly find out that they are imperfect parents parenting an imperfect child.
Spankings, as you said, may or may not work. A good parent realizes that and adjusts to what works. Unfortunately, we are living in a society that cannot distinguish between spanking and abuse; between hitting and spanking. They are different; and, deliver different outcomes.
"This hurts me more than it hurts you." This is true for spankings; otherwise, it is just hitting.
meganstuke (Megan Stuke) says…
DIST - What a refreshing comment! Thank you.
chrysanthalbee (chrys anthalbee) says…
DIST.. you did say it and it was good. From the "we were perfect parents" to the "adjusts to what works" and the "distinguish between spanking and abuse". There's a lot of parents out there that are bad role models at the least and abusers at worst by their words alone.
Behavioral psychology provides insight into how brains function at a nonverbal level. Touching something hot provides learning that will prove helpful into the future. Punishment is the least effective means of behavioral learning, reward is the most effective means of learning. It may actually reinforce learning that was unintended. But personalities and situations differ with respect to the efficacy of any training.
There may be a time and a place for punishment in your parenting career. If you adjust accordingly to your child, their age, and their development, you may never need to spank or slap a hand. If you're super lucky you will have a child that respects you, follows all the rules, and learns from your example and NEVER NEVER EVER gets into trouble :) That might not make you the perfect parent you may just have the perfect kid.
Parental philosophizing aside, this is a great post for thoughtful parents.
spiller (anonymous) says…
Yes, I am a non spanking parent who spanked once. You need to give yourself a break. Sometimes the little so and so's drive you to it. My daughter got into my fingernail polish and got it all over the brand new expensive bed quilt. I was MAD! The spanking was formal, pants down, over the lap, two slaps. Couldn't have hurt that much but I know from the many spankings I got as a child,( with a hairbrush and really hurt), that it was humiliating and infuriating. I felt like such a heel. My daughter is now in grad school and still reminds me of it when she feels I need a guilt trip :-). I was very lucky to have kids with sweet temperaments (from their father) and wouldn't hit me in a million years. I can only imagine my frustration with a more willful child. Thanks for a witty and honest post!
berehmer (Belinda Rehmer) says…
I know I'm slow in this response, but Megan, I hope you see it. I was a non spanking parent. My youngest is 27. Totally believe (to this day) the "do as I say, not as I do" mentality is noneffective and "modeling" proper behavior was the only sensible way to discipline. But I found out you can't treat every child the same. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another. (I have 5 children btw) My oldest and 2nd youngest responded great to time outs and "explanations" and most the time the others did too, but with my oldest middle child and my youngest, other methods had to be found.
I had one who would pull their sister's hair and bite leaving marks (several times a week for nearly 6 months). Nothing I did seemed to help and the sister wouldn't hit or bite back. ~ AND btw it almost always happened when I was not in the room to see it.~ One day we were all sitting on the floor folding laundry, laughing and having a great time when the bite happened. I broke it up and bit back. Eyes locked on each other the whole time. (and my bite did not leave any marks) That child was infuriated. You know what? Never again did we have even one biting issue.
My youngest wouldn't slow down enough to listen to reason and the time out issue was horrendous. He was 2. He got a spanking. (but not in anger, as a consequence) Not going to say we never had to spank as discipline again but time out was definitely easier after and the spankings were more like swats on the diapered bottom. (He was my adventurer and would sneak out of the house to wander the neighborhood at 3 & 4yrs)
Anyway eventually these wild crazy kids grew up into loving productive citizens. I now have 6 grandchildren whom I love to death and I see their parents struggling the same way you and I did. Children will be children, and sometimes you just have to get their attention. Hitting in anger is abuse. An occasional spanking as a consequence is discipline. That's the key and it can sometimes become very difficult to walk away until the anger is gone before dealing. And sometimes if you take the time to calm down, your child could be in more danger than with the spanking. (running into the street for example)
Keep up the good work, and keep the blogs coming!