WellCommons

So my baby turned one, got his vaccinations, and is a healthy little bugger all around. He's right on track in all possible ways, and I expect him to do some geometry proofs next week. For all of this, we are beyond grateful. We know how very lucky we are to have such a healthy, happy baby.

And I want to keep him healthy and happy, which means I have some decisions to make regarding his diet, since he's at the magical one-year mark. Our pediatrician made it clear to me that I was to get him off the bottle as soon as possible (WHA? WAH!) and that he is getting too much formula. In fact, he doesn't need formula anymore at all.

So I asked what I should give him instead, since our guy can't tolerate milk. The doctor said I could try milk again and see how he does - if he starts coughing, we'd know that doesn't work (really?), or, I could just do some soy, and reduce the volume he's currently getting.

Curious if soy was really the best thing, I started doing my own research. The information was overwhelming. It was like sorting through the landfill, looking for a lost sock. I read too many opinions, too many articles, and got myself good and lost in the process. Soy doesn't have enough of this, but it has too much of that, unless you get the "enriched" kind, and never get the reduced fat kind. Rice milk has far less nutritional value that soy. Nut milk causes allergies. Goat's milk is nice, but where the heck do you get goat's milk?

So, as I am wont to do, I found myself another expert. A doctor who was featured on the NotMilk website I am so fond of. This guy, it turns out, is hip to the Twitter world, and once again, social media is MY BEST FRIEND. I just tweeted a stranger, an MD, and asked him what to feed my baby. AND HE ANSWERED. PROMPTLY. People, it is a brave new world.

Anyway, his suggestion? Water + Food. That is all. He feels that soy, oat, almond, rice, all those other "milks" are okay nutritionally, but they're not so good for dental health. They're too "sticky" for little teeth. Also, Dr. Jay Gordon suggested that water makes a little tummy hungry for food, so my baby will be a better eater if I just forgo "milk" altogether. Who said we have to have milk or some facsimile thereof anyway?

An added bonus: all the water will have a positive effect on my poor guy's terrible constipation issues. Boo-ya!

This is an answer that satisfied me. This answer made sense, felt right, and didn't get me all mixed up in a battle of raw milk, soy milk, rice milk, the ever-ephemeral goat's milk, and all the other bajillion choices out there.

I'll just FEED him more. Who'da thunk?

Yeah, water's good. In fact, water's real good. Sippy cup and some wholesome H20, here we come.

Simplify, simplify. Thoreau, you were really onto something.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Our baby, Johnny, has responded to music since a very young age. As a tiny infant, he'd quiet if I held him and sang softly. I purposely picked out a few favorite songs and lullabies to sing to him frequently, as I hoped he'd grow up associating those particular sounds with comfort, home, and safety.

As he grew and his body strengthened, I could see a physical response to music. If I turned on music on the television, he'd immediately turn his head to see where it was coming from. For awhile, he actually "directed" - by picking up a pop bead and waving his arms wildly every time he heard a sequence of notes. He tends to respond best to classical music, but really, he's not picky.

I've read that a lot of musical intelligence is fostered between birth and six years old, so I'm all about finding ways to encourage him to hear, play, and enjoy all different sorts of music. At age one, he's already familiar with our litany of favorite bedtime songs, and is completely infatuated with any toys that honk out a tune, annoying as they may be to his parents. For his birthday, he received a wooden toy drum, and has not let go of the mallet since he first picked it up. Drumming, it appears, is his favorite. Which does not bode well for my sanity in the next seventeen or so years.

Still, I'll encourage him any way I can. I'll put a shaker egg in his little hand, let him beat on pots and pans, try out different flavors of music wheneve we get a chance. I'm not a big fan of "kid music", and I sense that the complexity of grown up music - be it Johnny Cash or Johann Sebastian Bach - is good for his little developing brain. In fact, there is research to support the notion that listening to music in early life has a substantial effect on intelligence.

And music isn't just for the individual's own growth. It helps a family grow, too. My family tried its best to be musical, and my sister still plays a mean piano. My brother, now well over forty, can still play "Skating", which he learned in his one year of piano lessons at age six or seven. I, myself, took many years of piano, guitar, school band, and voice lessons. And my family, together, enjoyed this. We played music for holidays, went to one another's concerts, recitals, and shows. We learned from one another and formed many a familial memory in regard to the songs we shared.

My dream is for Johnny to grow up to play the stand-up bass. And yes, I know it's totally wrong to try to imprint my expectations on him. And yes, I'll probably do it anyway, despite my best efforts to be open to WHAT? THE FLUTE? or any other instrument he decides to conquer.

There is nothing like talking about daycare to make a new mom get itchy.

I mean, let's just put aside for a minute the overwhelming anxiety that new moms have when they go back to work. Let's not talk about the tremendous guilt we feel because for whatever reason (and there are many), we're going to have to put our babies in the hands of someone else for hours a day. I'm not here today to talk about the relative merits of staying home v working. That is a "to each his or her own" topic if there ever was one.

But, it's hard. If you are using daycare, you worry. (Heck, if you aren't using daycare, you worry.)

But then, once you've gotten your mind around the "Yes, we're going to have to find a daycare situation," drama, you have the "But what kind of daycare" drama.

Yesterday, I was talking to a pregnant friend of mine who expressed her concerns over needing to pin down daycare soon. She had a lot of things to think about as she sifted through her options.

The big issue, for many parents, is the staggering cost. The crippling, vomit-inducing price, which makes you extra sick because you're bound to think about the percentage of your paycheck that is going to daycare, and man, is it even worth it to keep your job? But some paycheck is better than none, and you need the insurance, and quitting just isn't an option.

So you start thinking about less expensive alternatives. And then you feel terrible because, you know, isn't your baby worth the BEST POSSIBLE care in town? And doesn't it stand to reason that if you pay more, you get more? Surely the pricey places are the best.

But then you feel sick again, because if you opt for the pricey place, you know you won't have enough money left over to save for a college fund or do extra things with your kiddo like a family vacation or music lessons.

And, really, is the pricey place the best? How do we know? I can say that the situation we have is by far less expensive than many of the daycares in town, but I feel like our baby gets amazing love and attention all day.

As with most parenting questions, the answer is to trust our instincts. Check out the various people and providers. Visit with other moms and dads. And then do what feels best to you, based on your experience and your guts.

I told my friend that I could give her the number of the person who takes care of Johnny three days a week, but she said she wasn't sure about a "home" situation. As an attorney, she'd seen too many horror stories about injuries and deaths in home daycares. She had a good point. Of course, I am more than confident that my baby's caregiver is just as careful or even moreso than I am, but how would my friend know that?

But there are drawbacks to the "regular" daycares, too. After talking with my friend yesterday, I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription and I ran into a woman who was in my birthing class with me a year ago. She is looking for a new daycare situation because her baby, who is happy and stimulated in her traditional daycare situation, gets sick all the time from the other kids. So this mom would prefer a home situation with just one or two other kids, if she can find it. Also a good point.

I am on the fence. For now, what we have is working for us. Our baby stays home with his grandma at our house two days a week, and goes to the home of a babysitter three days a week. He sees other kids and goes on outings with the sitter, gets his grandma's loving attention, and hopefully is going to be socially well-adjusted and well-rounded for his experience.

Still, I worry that maybe he needs more structure. Do we need a regular daycare so that I know he's getting a certain curriculum every day? Should I be concerned about nap schedules, education, and reading readiness at this early stage of the game?

There's no easy answer. Certainly what is right for my family and baby is not going to necessarily be right for another. My priorities, at least right now, are that my baby be loved and held and get lots of personal attention. That is more important to me than having snack time at precisely 10:00 every day. I mean, he's not quite one. He thinks a stacking cup makes a good hat.

Eventually, I might have to make a change. I'll continue to process and evaluate, and I think it's important never to become complacent where your kids' care is concerned. A change will probably be painful for everyone involved, and I'll lose sleep about it, like I do most of my big parenting decisions. But for now, all I can do is keep close track of my baby, and put him in the hands of trusted folks who will nurture him and help him grow, just like we do at home.

For anyone who needs information about daycares or help sorting out options, The Douglas County Child Development Association can help.

Even when I was pregnant, people were asking me when we'd have another. I suppose part of that was concern for my "advanced maternal age" (I was just barely thirty six when he was born), and part of it, to me, is our obsession with oversharing, and our Judeo-Christian attitudes about large families.

Only children are just weird, right? And there's something selfish about parents who only have one child. And doesn't that kid need someone to play with? Aren't we supposed to "go forth and multiply?"

And I agreed with everyone. Yes, I'd like to have more. I want Johnny to have a sibling or four. No, I don't know when. But yes, it's probably going to happen.

When Johnny came, I was overcome with love and emotion, and could think of nothing else but having another one right away, because this? THIS WAS AWESOME. I couldn't imagine only being pregnant once, only having a tiny infant once (they grow so fast!), only having newborn clothes in my house for two months out of my entire life.

And then my hormone level dropped. And then our income level dropped. And then my senses returned.

Kids are expensive. Like, stupid expensive. They are a lot of work. It is painfully obvious to me that we are treading water financially until we can stop buying diapers and stop paying daycare. We are also treading water in a lot of other ways. We both work full time. We have a lot of commitments. We still like our friends and extended families. Between caring for Johnny and keeping up with all the things life hands us, I can't imagine we'd have the time to adequately care for, let alone pay for, two kids.

So, at least for now, barring a lottery win or someone who just wants to come cook and clean for us for free appearing on our doorstep, we're a "one and done" family.

My husband used to jokingly say that he "only has enough love for one." And while we know that isn't really true, there's an element of wisdom in there. He knows we are busy. He knows with this one, we can provide some extras, our undivided attention, and possibly a decent eduation. With more, we'd spread our resources, both time and finances, too thin.

We feel that we are making a responsible choice, even a sacrifice. But when we tell people we are probably done reproducing, they look shocked or disdainful. You can just hear their interior monologues: "That boy is going to be so spoiled." "He's going to be a social maladjust." "They're just too selfish with their time."

But I recently read an article in Time Magazine that suggested just the opposite. The article suggests that only children are "just fine." I kinda figured all along that was the case. My only child friends are not spoiled, social maladusts. In fact, they're quite the opposite. They all have some traits that I would say are characteristic of a first born child. Strong personalities, leadership qualities, the ability to take care of themselves. They learned to play independently as children. They learned to flesh out their own ideas instead of adopting those of their siblings. Their identities are fully formed and not reliant upon their tribe of siblings for completion.

Also, I am often jealous of them. They do have the full resources of their parents. Many of their parents have been able to provide for them in their youth in a way larger families cannot for each child. Their parents were able to help with things like college tuition, private high schools, frequent visits, and grandchild care in a way that other, more thinly-spread families could not.

This is not an attempt to make the case that having an only child is somehow better than having multiple children - it's just different. Not worse, or better. There are advantages to both. I love my siblings, and cannot imagine a world wherein I didn't have them to help me grow up, and now to be my best friends. But in a world where I didn't have them, I'd have other things to be happy about and thankful for.

My favorite thing about the Time article was that it cited studies that show that only children consistently score higher on the SAT. So maybe we'll have that going for us. The article also suggested that families with only one child are on the rise. Maybe we're just cutting edge.

I know this: when I look at my son's sweet round face, I feel complete. I don't feel that I need another baby or two or three more to fill up our lives and hearts. I just hope that everyone else can accept that as well.

My baby started coughing when he was three months old. I mean, really coughing. Coughing like we thought he might hack up an organ. As a first time mom, I was distraught. Croup, the medical professionals thought. Two rounds of steroids later, we ruled out croup.

Then we had a chest x ray. "Oh," said the pediatrician, "looks like a little bronchialitis." We tried an antibiotic and bought a nebulizer and gave him Albuterol three times a day. (Not the easiest task with a squirmy infant who isn't really up for holding mask over his face.)

Still no change. The poor baby was coughing so much he vomited, couldn't sleep, and my hair was falling out, I worried so much.

Next, our doctor decided it was reflux. I thought he had gone soft in the head, but I was willing to try anything. We put him on Axid, a powerful reflux drug, and as the pharmacist handed over his first bottle he admonished me NOT to EVER give him any more than the regular dose. Be sure we never double dose him, look carefully at the dropper.

Faithfully, for close to six months, we gave the baby Axid three times a day. We made sure the babysitters gave it, we communicated to be sure both parents didn't accidentally give him a bedtime dose, and he got better. A little better. I was so happy to see any improvement at all, I called it a win. He still coughed regularly but it wasn't as violent and I figured we would just have to deal with it - it was his lot in life.

Until it got worse again. I was done with this. Our baby had to be cured.

Another chest x ray and the pediatrician pronounced that he had asthma. Shaken in my faith, I scheduled an appointment with a specialist in Kansas City - a pulmonologist. I was ready to test him for every allergy in the world, make sure he didn't have cystic fibrosis, and get geared up for a life-long challenge.

And, I phoned a friend. I work at the hospital and am acquainted with the secretary of a pulmonologist that works here.

I called up to his office and said, "Ask the doctor if A) a baby who has been vaccinated could have whooping cough, and B) if it is 'normal' for a baby to start coughing at 3 months and never really recover."

His advice? Take him off cow's milk. Switch to soy formula, and see what happens.

I did. And I haven't heard a cough since. NOT ONE. All that medicine was for not. All the x rays, sleepless nights, and breathing treatments could have been avoided with just a simple dietary shift.

There is a moral, then, to this long story.

I have started doing my research, and it turns out, dairy just isn't all it's cracked up to be.

What we eat has a direct and profound effect on our bodies and I'm not just talking about weight. Heart function, kidney function, skin, bowels, and in our case, respiratory function are all damaged when we ingest things that are not meant for human consumption.

Cow's milk is for baby cows. Baby humans drink their mothers' milk until they're weaned. Theoretically, after we are weaned from our mothers, we should never drink milk again. No other animal drinks milk beyond infancy. Our bodies do not process cow's milk like we process human milk.

I could cite studies and bore you with statistics and biological horror stories, but I won't. I would encourage everyone to read this famous "milk letter" in which an M.D. describes far better than I can the situation with dairy and our bodies.

I am a big fan of the medical community. I am a huge fan of modern medicine and all that pharmaceuticals can do for us. I am not afraid to take a pill if it will make me better. But it is more than a little disconcerting that we rush to medical treatments and chemicals before we consider the simplest of solutions.

Our dependence on dairy, it turns out, is largely a fabricated one. Milk is not the life-juice we have been taught our whole lives that it is. It is not the wholesome sustainer that we grew up believing would make us big and strong.

My baby's life is altered. Several weeks into our diet change, he no longer coughs. His appetite is stronger than ever, and his bowels function normally for the first time in his young life.

I am interested in your opinions about this topic. Do you drink cow's milk or give it to your children? What about those of you who choose not to? It's somehow a very sensitive topic. A lot of people say to me, "Well he will probably grow out of it. Eventually you can give him milk." My response to that is simply, "Why would I?"